The Last 48hrs.

These past 48hrs have been the horrible. I am a emotional wreck. I found out wed. that my boyfriend had done some really terible things. I have have been so confused and shocked. Everyone around me tells me they knew it and i need to move on and forget him. But its really not that simple, I love him. Like i was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Sometimes i think that i just need to forget and move on cause obviously i didnt mean as much to him as he ment to me. He hasnt called since or texted nothing i know theres nothing he can really say to make anything go away but just the effort would make me feel so much better if he would have fought for me seemed sorry or regretful, i wouldnt feel so horrible. I think its the fact that he almost seemed realived like now he can go on and do what he wanted with out me holdinh him back. It sucks really bad to think that its so easy for him to just live with out me and im over here fighting not to cry every chance im alone. Everytime my phone goes off i run to it thinking its him, i never know what i will say or do but i miss him. We used to say neither one of us could do anything that horrible to where we would seperate forever. I still belive that, i dont think he is ready now he has alot of growing up to do but i think that one day he might be. The people who i have talk to about this think im crazy and stupid for thinking he will change or waiting for him, but i dont want anyone else i dont want a life with anyone but him so yes i guess that means i will wait. But i dont know if im waiting for a lost cause. I wish he would just talk to me so i can see if he really just doesnt love me and wantes to live that kind of life. than ill be forced to move on to let go. But until than i dont think i can. Im trying to stay busy going places cheer just trying not to think so much about everything. None of it make sense sometimes, things we have said to eachother promised each other i would never have thought it could or would just end like this. thought we were strong enough. thought we were different speacial. Guess i was wrong but everyone else seemed to be right. Not even a week ago i was laying in his bed and we were looking at eachtother, he told me he loved me so much and i told him the same. I would say i loved him more and he would act like that was the biggest lie ever like he loved me more. But how could he? how could he love me so much but be willing to do this to me. I dont know maybe its just me but sex is something special that should be intimate and brings people closer together. To find out his doing this with other people that hes starring at them the way he woudl look at me hurts so bad. Maybe i am  the stupid naive girl everyone thinks i am, But i cant let go i cant stop thinking why. why wasnt he strong enough. why wasnt i enough. I tried being mad and hating him but i cant i just dont understand how i could love someone so much and think we were so prefect to find out in five mins it was all a lie. I cant even begin to explain how dumb i feel sometimes like i should have know, this day and age the type of enivorment he is around how could he ever want to settle down with me ha. But like i said maybe one day.